Business As Usual
It's currently 4:33 on a Friday morning in late September. As I began tossing and turning in my bed a couple of hours ago, I couldn't find comfort so I decided it was time to get up. This decision did not merely transpire with the vain efforts I had in seeking comfort, but was heavily influenced with thoughts that seemed more like questions that needed to be answered. These thoughts will likely be what spills onto this platform as I take some time away from what I have been writing about to address some of the dilemmas I find myself in.
A day over a week ago I was on my way to work. Prior to leaving, my kids did the typical questioning routine asking, "Why do you never get a day off of work (I get a couple of days off every week but to them its never enough)? When will you have another day off? What time will you be back?" Ya know... kid questions that I am always thankful to hear. Keeps my heart in check to know that they love me and want to spend time with me. I grabbed my lunch box, kissed my family goodnight and left for a 12 hour night shift. It was one of those days where you commute with the windows down because as the seasons are changing you start noticing the temperatures dropping. This is a welcoming change from me as I am more of a Fall person than a Summer person and prefer the temperature to be about 40 in the morning and about 70 around midday. As I was about ten minutes from my home I received a call. I normally do not answer calls from unknown numbers but I was inclined to answer this one for no particular reason.
"Hello, Aaron. It's _____. We're putting you off work for awhile. Your test came back positive and you will need to quarantine until you hear further instructions from a nurse on what you need to do in order to return to work."
After calling and telling my wife, several questions came to mind as I had pulled over in a restaurant parking lot to process this phone call I received and all it entailed. I was on my way to work just going through the motions and in a matter of 5 minutes I went from checking the clock every 2 minutes to see how much time I had before pulling into the parking lot at work to not even caring what time it could be and heading back home. Before you go any further, understand that this will not be a post about my thoughts on THAT subject. I will just be laying out a few details that happen along the way as I walk through the process.
Working Out The Details
This whole thing was highly unusual for me on many levels. What made this call from a random number any different than the others I would have usually ignored that made me pick up was the first thing on my mind. Its unanswerable, but still on my over analytical mind nonetheless. Also, the test that I had taken was administered 1 week, 11 hours, and 40 minutes prior to getting notified of a positive test. I had been at work, at church, and out of town for a wedding within that frame of time so I reached out to those who had been in close contact with me during those times or reached out to someone who could notify others for me. Still in the parking lot, I began to do an internal evaluation to the best of my ability based on feeling alone on any symptoms I may have been having and I couldn't come up with one. With those two things taken care of and out of the way, I went home.
I got home and my kids were amazed at how quick the time went by and asked my why I was home so fast. I stood in the kitchen and talked to my wife about it for a bit. The rest of the details about what I had been doing while I waited for two negative tests to come back are irrelevant to this particular reflection as the intentions of this is not to tell you what I did as much as it is what I experienced. That is what this is all about.
Just Going Through The Motions
There are times in life when you are forced to stop doing all of the things that are asked of you on a normal basis. As I mentioned before I had been "going though the motions" of day to day living and just treating it as such. No specific feelings towards it. No second guessing. Just doing the things and checking the boxes.
But why? I mean, sure, we have our obligations to fulfill. I am the provider of my home and I go to work to ensure that my family is taken care of. But what does that even mean? Provider of what? I know that deep down I am not a "provider" because I do not truly provide. I am a Steward (which is where the name of this blog comes from). A steward is someone who oversees the management process of someone else possessions. God is the owner of all things and I am simply called by Him to manage His possessions for His glory. That's what being a good steward is. So to say I am a provider means that I am simply stewarding what God has provided to me and using it to provide for my family. This is where the layers come in on why this moment in time, this metaphorical pause button, takes its shape and has given me a little perspective due to the nature of slowing down. It is key to remember that this emergency brake was pulled when I had little to no cares or distractions. I wasn't feeling sick. I wasn't feel stressed. I wasn't anxious. I was just living. I felt good. I felt normal. Had you asked me how I was doing I would have likely said "I'm doing well." This all plays a HUGE part in this process.
“Normal”
Those closest to me know that my schedule is insanity. Swing shift life is not the best life for anyone. Circadian rhythms don't really exist (especially if you had a family), so sleep can be ify at best. Scheduling anything that is extra curricular can be a nightmare or even just scheduling a backyard get together is never in ink because the likelihood of being scheduled for overtime can come at the drop of a hat. When you're a person who thrives on routine, your life is chaotic by nature because the second you get used to a specific way of life it is time to flip it on its head and manage it on a night shift schedule. Keeping time as sacred for your spouse and kids can come at the cost of sleep depravity or mood swings. Your hobbies or interests are likely done in less than desirable times of day in order to try and fit it all in without feeling like you are robbing your family of precious moments together. The list can go on a little longer, but you get the idea. All of that said to say this: That is what I know as "normal." Someone who gains energy from social gatherings, desires to see their kids in sports or extra curricular activities, wants to host events at their house and be able to be there without burning vacation time, needs a morning routine in order to stay on a positive path, is able to decompress emotionally by interacting in hobbies and interests, and desires to be at home with family and help raising my kids to be wonderful adults. That someone has been defectively living against his strongest desires willingly because of the responsibility of providing basic needs for my family. Read that sentence again and understand that that single thought has been my mentality for far too long and it has been incorrect. After having this week off, the real mentality is this: I have been so caught up in providing an income for my family that I have not been a great steward and have robbed them and myself of some of the greatest provisions God has given me.
The Fruit of Self Examination
Being a provider is more than making sure enough money is in the bank. Being a provider is about building a life that connects the fabrics of society and the human existence to glorify God and then being an example in word and deed so that others can worship God by seeing your example. The goal is to not get glory for yourself by being able to say how much money you have or to flex on people with all the stuff you're able to get or do. Being a provider is about building that life and setting the example to your spouse and children and letting them know there is a balance that must be made and that contentment in God is the only way to gain that balance. Being a provider is about looking within yourself and realizing that you cannot and will not satisfy all people, but you are able to satisfy the God of the universe by simply calling on the name of Jesus and living a life that radiates who He is and what He has done for you. Being a provider is about teaching your family the importance of relationships, mental health, time management and even rest so that they have eyes on multiple areas of life that they can always look to to ask the question "Am I glorifying God in this area of my life?"
That is what this week has enabled me to do. There have been some fruitful conversations with key relationships. I have seen improvements in my mental state. I have seen growth in my kids by being able to approach parenting differently. I have seen more laughs with my wife because of the time spent. There are so many more "I haves" in the tank, but tomorrow I go back to work for 2 days before being off another week for vacation. This self examination will proceed for the next two days as I take mental notes. The biggest question I will ask tomorrow as I commute to work and one that I will continue to ask is this: "Am I glorifying God in this area of my life?" That will be the ultimate question in all things as I return. If so, how? If not, why not and how can you do that occupationally?"
What About You?
Have you pushed the pause button lately? I'm not talking the leave work and go on a vacation somewhere and forget about what you left back at home. What I am talking about is bring things to a screeching halt for a season to get your heart, soul and mind in check and call your "normal" into question. Have you don that in awhile? Have you had a moment of self examination so intense that its had you questioning why you do what you do? Have you seen some things recently that need to be called into question that may make you question your motives or even the terrible reasons why you are pursuing what you are pursuing?
To the Christian specifically, if you are doing something that does not glorify our Lord, then are you trying to glorify yourself? Are you finding contentment in things that are not Him? Or are you just hoping you'll find contentment in the things you're aspiring to have or achieve?
Pull the emergency brake. Hit the E-Stop. Push the pause button and it all down for a minute and ask yourself if you are glorifying God or not. That is what this and every blog post on this page is about, but it took up until this moment for me to realize how much God desires for me to pursue Him as I pursue to change habits and pursuits in order to ensure I give Him the best praise and worship that I can offer Him with my life. Let's make that happen and let's start doing it today.
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