Think back on the day you said “I do.” “I do” is the little two word phrase we say in response to the vows of for better or for worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. Until death do us part. It is the response we give to the question of “do you commit every bit of your life to this person and love them more than you love yourself?” Power impact in those two little words, yet how wonderful to hear coming from the one on this earth that you love most.
When you said “I do,” think about the climate of that day. You woke up and you had one objective on your mind, and that was to meet the love of your life and commit your life to them. It’s easy to look at that day and simply think about the obvious events that encompassed that day, but I want you to meditate for a moment the subtle feelings that were felt as the hour drew near.
There was an excitement as your closest family and friends gathered together to celebrate the bond that had been built between you and your soon to be spouse.
There was an anxiety that crept in and out as you wondered things like “what if I cry? What if I fall? What if I can’t make it through the vows without stuttering or ugly crying? How should I kiss them? What if I go for the kiss before I’m told? Why is someone telling me I can’t kiss them!?”
There was a busyness involved that wanted to make sure this thing ran like a luxury machine and you had everything particularly placed and specifically mapped out from the seating of the grandparents to the final ride off into the night.
There was one aspect that seems to be forgotten when thinking about weddings. Freedom.
Through the excitement and the anxiety and the busyness, there was a deep calming freedom that day. You woke up and said “Today, I’m getting married.” You knew that this was a life changing event that would alter your life in ways that then you could never imagine. As the hustle and bustle of the day went on, the freedom of knowing you had one responsibility was the underlying feeling you felt as you carelessly went through the motions until the job was done (by carelessly I don’t mean recklessly, but more of a struck by cupid/whatever happens happens as long as we’re married that’s all that matters kind of carelessness). It was knowing there were a thousand things that could go wrong, but nothing was going to stop you from looking your spouse in the eye and committing your life to them. As long as you two were there with a pastor and a witness, the rest was fluff and just added to the experience.
Is that sense of freedom coming back to you? Knowing it was “your day” and every little motion you took had the single objective of giving yourself to your spouse day in and out by just showing up and saying “I do.” Now, I realize that this may not be everyone’s story, but I do believe this fits most wedding days that I have heard of. There was a great freedom, a calming and soothing relaxation that came along with committing yourself to the love of your life. As I am approaching 10 years of marriage, I would like to pose the question that has been on my mind lately as I reflect back on that one day:
Why was that feeling of freedom seemingly left at the altar?
Odd question you may be thinking to yourself, but let me explain.
Many marriages that I have had the chance to interact with, whether they are friends or coworkers or family, it seems that the very excitement and positive anxiousness and welcomed busyness and relaxing freedom gets lost as the years go by. Life can hit pretty hard as reality of jobs and house work and bills all come crashing down. Whether it’s just day to day business or a rainy day happens and things take a turn quick, every marriage is prone to see the valley and forget the summit they were on that day.
Let’s say you’re a married man reading this. You can look at my last post and quickly realize how we can have our moods and days stolen from us by going to work, coming home and checking out until bed time. Maybe your wife is a stay at home mother and you check out for the 4-5 hours you’re home from work before bed and you haven’t considered her at all. She has practically ran herself ragged for weeks or months making sure the house looks immaculate while simultaneously preparing several meals several times a day, possibly homeschooling your children and caring for toddlers and infants, doing sometimes multiple loads of laundry and dishes and she’s in the 7th Inning and needs a relief pitcher to step in for a bit. You come home from work and she exhales a gust of relief just to quickly inhale the momentum she’s had all day to finish the work of caring for the kids and house because you have kicked your shoes off and went blank in front of Netflix or the Xbox or Instagram. Never mind bed time and possibly having to get up with persistent children or newborn babies. All of these things are “her responsibilities” or similarly stated: “That’s her job.” This valley seems incredibly deep to her and just when it seemed that she was being air evacuated by a rescue squad (you), the helicopter passes overhead without even noticing the effort she put in to sustaining life in the house.
Maybe you’re the wife. You’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom and you are great at it. You are orderly and clean and it’s a major flex to keep score of all the things you have done around the house. Maybe your husband gets up to an alarm clock every day and does his best to make sure no one wakes up with him. He gets up an hour before he has to leave in order to enjoy a cup of coffee in silence before he heads to work to be prepared for the job he has to do to keep the bills paid, food on the table, and be financially free. He endures a ton of challenges and tasks that need to be done with accuracy or it could mean you’re going to be without some things for a few months. His job may not be difficult, but mentally exhausting. His job may be very physically demanding, and never seems to let up. At home he is not very good with keeping a calendar, nor is he great at being proactive with the housework. He has no excuses, yet he is belittled for not caring enough. This valley may be deep for him because he genuinely believes he is making an effort to do certain things in order to hold up his end of the deal, but it never feels good enough.
Let those two situations sink in, or situations that could be similar to them but with different occupational dynamics. Both the wife and the husband have forgotten one thing: the freedom they have to love each other and simply show up to commit their life to one another. They’ve both forgotten the feeling they had upon saying “I do” because they are so wrapped up in what they want, and in that moment, what they want is not their spouse, it’s their own gratification. Instead of showing up to commit their life to this person, they’ve showed up to tell that person how wrong they are.
This also deserves a small side note: Sometimes, it is right to lovingly discuss matters where someone can do better. In fact, each of you should be asking each other regularly how they can love the other more.
What I am getting at is when we are at the forefront of our own minds, we set ourselves up as idols to ourselves and decide how the other person should be bowing down to you. At the very least, you are putting your spouse in an unfair situation by not thinking of them more. Your marriage can return to your wedding day freedom by simply serving your spouse. They are gift from God and should be stewarded as such (1 Peter 4:10). Little acts of service can give you the same feeling as you felt on your wedding day. The random, seemingly trivial tasks like ensuring everyone knows where to stand on stage or making sure everyone’s boutonnieres are on straight were tasks you delighted to do in order to make the day flow wonderfully so that the celebration can be all celebration and no tribulation. This very principle can be translated to day to day living with simple acts of service that we should be glad to do:
“would you like me to put the kids to bed tonight so you can go get a shower and turn in early?”
“Would you mind folding this basket of laundry?”
“Let me cook and clean up tonight. You’ve had a long day.”
“You should get outta the house for a couple of hours. Even if you need to just drive around to get a break. I’ll take care of bathing the kids.”
It’s all about service. Let me encourage you not to keep score or segregate “your” duties from “their” duties in the life of the family. Stop looking for your convenience to be met and start doing what you can to ensure your spouse that you love them by serving them. Especially the men who may be reading this, if you think staying at home and keeping up with everything is a walk in the park, just remember that it’s a time card that got punched once on the way in and it’ll take years before you can even consider punching out. Imagine if you had to work a job all day and then you knew at 6 PM you were going to be getting an extra hand and then they just read the paper the whole time you worked. That’s what it’s like when you zone out on your wife. Don’t be the guy that has it his way or no way and just makes your wife do everything that will convenience you the most. Especially if you are a Christian man. You should be going out of your way to love her and serve her as Christ loved the church. You should be able to say with Christ “Come to me, for I will give you rest. My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” This is a reminder we all need as men leading our homes.
What will you do to bring by the joy of being in love with one another? What will you do to regain the freedom of showing up and loving your spouse?
Make an effort to joyfully go through the motions so at the end of the day you can look at your spouse and say, “from the bottom of my heart and all that is within me: I do.”
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